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munhoulo
Apr 07, 2024
In Messages to Paul's loved ones
Recently, I have been thinking hard about Paul’s car – specifically, though it is still difficult even now to use any version of this phrase, the last car Paul owned.
Paul drove several different cars during the time I knew him. When we met in 1989, he didn’t have a car: for which I, and hopefully he, was grateful, because we chanced upon each other while he was walking home from a post-work aerobic class, from Froggy Bottom to Adams Morgan via Dupont Circle. A few years later, he bought a car (second hand, if memory serves), which he named Pepe. There is a photo of me standing in front of Pepe along Skyline Drive, which we once drove to. Paul was worried that Pepe, who was spunky but pretty well-used, would strand us, but he didn’t.
Next was the car I remember even more, a blue-grey Mazda 3 hatchback. I want to say that we named her Abby (as in “Abbey Road”). Or maybe Abby was the GPS – Paul had never had a car with a GPS before, so the latter also deserved a name – while the car had a related punny name, Penny (Lane), but I think my first instinct is right. Abby was cute, dependable, and long-serving. As the years went by, the back of Abby was populated with bumper stickers: first, the stickers went directly on Abby, and then, as bumper sticker technology improved, the stickers went onto magnets that then got stuck onto Abby. Paul and his bumper stickers. “Not All Who Wander Are Lost.” A series of “Yay!” stickers (Yay! Westies! Yay! Sloths! Yay! Nurses!). “Coexist.” More and more strings of beads and pendants – from various religions, thus serving to illustrate “Coexist” – were hung from Abby’s rear-view mirror. A couple of wooden Buddha figurines, which I used to think would keep Paul safe – in the car at least – sat on the dashboard. (Many of these things, plus a dog leash we always kept in the car, we were able to salvage.)
Heather sitting in Abby
Paul retired Abby probably four, five years ago. His mechanic, who in turn has retired, bought Abby off of Paul, worked on her, and gifted it to his child; this made Paul happy. Meanwhile, Paul bought a new car. It is this one that I’ve been thinking about a lot. Not because there is anything that special about it. In fact, when I say I’ve been thinking hard about this last car, it is because I struggle to remember much about it. For one thing, though I have been trying and trying, I cannot even be sure what color the last car was.
There are plenty of rational reasons why I don’t remember much of this last car. There are few memories because there are few memories. I don’t think Paul and I took any especially significant trips in it; its bumper stickers were ported over from Abby; and indeed, the COVID years meant that I knew this last car only on two or three trips to DC. Still, it upsets me that I can’t recall much about this car.
It has been three long years since Paul left, and memories are beginning to fade. I am obviously not the only, the wisest, or the most eloquent person to remark on the paradoxical nature of memories, and thus of remembering and forgetting, in grief. I have so many happy, funny memories of the 32 years that Paul and I had together, but still so many painful ones – painful not because of their content, but because they are now only memories. It is hard to think about some things because I miss them so, and it’s sometimes hard to think of Paul because I miss him so. Not only are memories paradoxical, but so is the remembering and forgetting of these already fraught memories. The part that needs less saying is how desperately I want and need to retain every single thing. But it can almost feel like a relief when memories get duller, less liable to pierce. Yet, when the dulling seeps in and there is a moment of relief, it is only followed by terror and guilt.
As memories go, the color and other details of Paul’s last car are not one of the more important ones. No doubt I can remind myself that as long as I remember the important stuff, all is fine. And if I need to make an effort to be even more self-comforting, I can tell myself that the stuff I can still remember are by definition the important stuff, while all that falls away falls away because they are unimportant. (Although, as the son of, first one, and now two people with dementia, I imagine that the neurology of my brain eventually may not be able to guarantee even the preceding sentence.)
But, as with many matters related to Paul’s passing, to know and to feel are two different things. I do wish I can remember the unimportant color of the car, and to remember what I may even have forgotten that I’ve forgotten. And I find myself wishing for new memories — if not with Paul, then of him. Perhaps others have had experiences with Paul that I was not part of, or aware of. If you had a meal with Paul, if he told you a joke that I have never heard: I find myself wanting to dig and dig to find these new-to-me memories, whereupon I will have no compunction about stealing your memories to claim as my own. Because, three years on, it still feels like an impoverished world without new memories of Paul, without being able to hold on to every single memory of Paul, without Paul.
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munhoulo
Apr 07, 2023
In Messages to Paul's loved ones
On Ontario Road, we sit down to a homemade lunch. We’re out on your covered patio, and the stone statue of Christ occupies a corner. From your salad you pick out a leaf, place it on the head of Christ, and say, “Lettuce pray!” You laugh exaggeratedly, both at your joke and at how bad it is. Try as I might, I can’t pin down the first time you made me laugh, only an early instance. We don't need the history anyway, just the feeling: later to be familiar, now too distant. You loved bad jokes. Yours, others, and yourself for others. Thus, you spread the word to everyone about Mary in a Christmas card, both swearing at and asking if Christ was born in a barn. You thought Patty O'Furniture was the best drag queen name. Years later you would be on the evening news, interviewed after some charity walk—was it for St. Francis? Was the statue, for that matter, actually of St. Francis?—all the while with a leaf in your hair. I guess Easter weekend moves around on the calendar. Otherwise I’m not sure how this anniversary can now fall on a holy day. I would check how the dates aligned two years ago, but who wants to look back? I can only imagine what bad, even sacrilegious joke you would today conjure about today. Meanwhile, you sent me care packages each April, cheap candy and chicks that could have featured in the competitive dioramas that made us both laugh, though even those eventually went away, while all year long you called me bunny. So on this day, I compel myself to rehearse your jokes, for others if not for me, and all the jokes you might have told. To think and tell of happy things.
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munhoulo
Oct 15, 2022
In Favorite Paul Memory
Paul, getting driving lessons from Heather, circa 2003-4? In 2007, for his 60th birthday, he used the photo for an invitation card to his birthday party. The caption, in the form of a thought bubble above Heather's head, was something like, "Slow down, Paul! You're approaching 60!" 15 years later: wish we had occasion to make another such card, throw another party.
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munhoulo
Jun 16, 2021
In Favorite Paul Memory
Over the years, Paul asked me to make him compilations of music. Actual shiny CDs of music: this was before the days of Spotify playlists (although I imagine had music streaming services been around then, he would still have wanted CDs). He wanted the first compilation to be named Hooch Highs '69. If you've watched Paul's TedxGWU talk, you'll know the reference, and the 4-CD compilation was indeed filled with music from the late 60s/early 70s, when Paul was in Vietnam. Here is the tracklist: CD1
01 Magical mystery tour – The Beatles
02 I feel free – Cream
03 Lay lady lay – Bob Dylan
04 Expecting to fly – Buffalo Springfield
05 Truckin’ – Grateful Dead
06 Om – The Moody Blues
07 Guinnevere – Crosby, Stills and Nash
08 Backstreet girl – The Rolling Stones
09 Whole lotta love – Led Zeppelin
10 Hurdy gurdy man – Donovan
11 Strawberry fields forever – The Beatles
12 Echoes – Pink Floyd
13 Today – Jefferson Airplane
14 One is the loneliest number – Three Dog Night
15 Nights in white satin – The Moody Blues
16 All things must pass – George Harrison
CD2
01 The day begins – The Moody Blues
02 To love somebody – The Bee Gees
03 The fool on the hill – The Beatles
04 White room – Cream
05 Wooden ships – Crosby, Stills and Nash
06 Magic carpet ride – Steppenwolf
07 Girl from the North country – Bob Dylan with Johnny Cash
08 Stairway to heaven – Led Zeppelin
09 Take a pebble – Emerson, Lake and Palmer
10 Eyes of a child – The Moody Blues
11 Something – The Beatles
12 Green river – Credence Clearwater Revival
13 In-a-gadda-da-vida – Iron Butterfly
14 Lady Jane – The Rolling Stones
15 Let it be – The Beatles
CD3
01 Come together – The Beatles
02 Tuesday afternoon – The Moody Blues
03 Witchy woman – The Eagles
04 Broken arrow – Buffalo Springfield
05 Our house – Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
06 Atlantis – Donovan
07 Dear diary – The Moody Blues
08 Speak to me/Breathe – Pink Floyd
09 Thank you – Led Zeppelin
10 Because – The Beatles
11 Dr. Livingstone, I presume – The Moody Blues
12 Black magic woman – Santana
13 White rabbit – Jefferson Airplane
14 Hey Jude – The Beatles
15 White bird – It’s a Beautiful Day
16 The end – The Doors
CD4
01 Imagine – John Lennon
02 Helplessly hoping – Crosby, Stills and Nash
03 Holiday – The Bee Gees
04 Sunshine of your love – Cream
05 I want you (She’s so heavy) – The Beatles
06 Kind woman – Buffalo Springfield
07 Are you sitting comfortably? – The Moody Blues
08 Lucky man – Emerson, Lake and Palmer
09 Purple haze – Jimi Hendrix
10 Sun king/Mean Mr. Mustard – The Beatles
11 Can’t find my way home – Blind Faith
12 Timothy Leary is dead – The Moody Blues
13 Tonight I’ll be staying here with you – Bob Dylan
14 Light my fire – The Doors
15 Time has come today – The Chambers Brothers
16 Here comes the sun – The Beatles
Paul was not particular about the running order, but he did want the compilation to end with "Here comes the sun." I think we understand what that says about his nature, and belief in resilience. The second compilation he asked for was on the occasion of his 60th birthday in 2007. Thus, the compilation was titled Sixty Candles, and played at the celebratory party. Unlike Hooch Highs, which focuses on music from a few years, Sixty Candles was more wide-ranging, and spans the decades. The songs from the mid-80s especially reminded him of his world travels. It's of course not exhaustive; Joni Mitchell is not very heavily represented, though Paul loved her, because he tended to listen to the entirety of her albums. CD1
01 Duke of Earl - Gene Chandler (1962)
02 The lion sleeps tonight - The Tokens (1961)
03 The name game - Shirley Ellis (1964)
04 It's my party - Lesley Gore (1963)
05 With a little help from my friends - The Beatles (1967)
06 You've got a friend - James Taylor (1971)
07 California dreaming - The Mamas and the Papas (1965)
08 Hotel California - The Eagles (1976)
09 Every breath you take - The Police (1983)
10 Dancing in the dark - Bruce Springsteen (1984)
11 Travelin' man - Ricky Nelson (1961)
12 Peace train - Cat Stevens (1971)
13 At 17 - Janis Ian (1975)
14 I am woman - Helen Reddy (1972)
15 Girls just want to have fun - Cyndi Lauper (1983)
16 Dancing queen - ABBA (1976)
17 Angie - The Rolling Stones (1973)
18 Rocky mountain high - John Denver (1973)
19 Ode to Billie Joe - Bobbie Gentry (1967)
20 The house of the rising sun - The Animals (1964)
21 Saying alive - The Bee Gees (1977)
CD2
01 Town without pity - Gene Pitney (1962)
02 Hurt so bad - Little Anthony and the Imperials (1965)
03 Blue velvet - Bobby Vinton (1963)
04 Crazy - Patsy Cline (1962)
05 Time in a bottle - Jim Croce (1973)
06 Dust in the wind - Kansas (1977)
07 I got you babe - Sonny and Cher (1965)
08 Groovin' - The Rascals (1967)
09 Red red wine - UB40 (1983)
10 Heart of glass - Blondie (1978)
11 I can see clearly now - Jimmy Cliff (1993)
12 Holiday - The Bee Gees (1967)
13 Because - The Beatles (1969)
14 Love me tender - Elvis Presley (1956)
15 We've only just began - The Carpenters (1970)
16 We are the world - USA for Africa (1985)
17 One night in Bangkok - Murray Head (1984)
18 Precious - Annie Lennox (1992)
19 Back street girl - The Rolling Stones (1967)
20 Summer breeze - Seals and Crofts (1972)
21 Maggie May - Rod Stewart (1971)
22 Where have all the flowers gone? - The Kingston Trio (1961)
23 Blowin' in the wind - Peter, Paul and Mary (1962)
CD3
01 La la means I love you - The Delfonics (1968)
02 I just called to say I love you - Stevie Wonder (1984)
03 When I'm sixty-four - The Beatles (1967)
04 When I need you - Leo Sayer (1977)
05 Crying - Roy Orbison (1961)
06 You're so vain - Carly Simon (1972)
07 Relax - Frankie Goes to Hollywood (1983)
08 Cherish - The Association (1966)
09 Woodstock - Joni Mitchell (1970)
10 The sound of silence - Simon and Garfunkel (1965)
11 Chapel of love - Dixie Cups (1964)
12 Baby love - The Supremes (1964)
13 Soldier boy - The Shirelles (1962)
14 Everybody plays the fool - The Main Ingredients (1972)
15 Teach your children - Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young (1970)
16 It's now or never - Elvis Presley (1960)
17 Lay lady lay - Bob Dylan (1969)
18 We are family - Sister Sledge (1979)
19 It's raining men - The Weather Girls (1982)
20 Torn between two lovers - Mary MacGregor (1976)
21 Sailing - Christopher Cross (1980)
22 Wonderful tonight - Eric Clapton (1978)
CD4
01 Mr Tambourine Man - The Byrds (1965)
02 You are the sunshine of my life - Stevie Wonder (1973)
03 (Sittin' on) The dock of the bay - Otis Redding (1968)
04 I'm sorry - Brenda Lee (1960)
05 Where the boys are - Connie Francis (1960)
06 Margaritaville - Jimmy Buffet (1977)
07 Lady Jane - The Rolling Stones (1966)
08 Today - Jefferson Airplane (1967)
09 Truckin' - The Grateful Dead (1970)
10 The good, the bad, and the ugly - Ennio Morricone (1968)
11 Another one bites the dust - Queen (1980)
12 Situation - Yazoo (1982)
13 Bette Davis eyes - Kim Carnes (1981)
14 These boots are made for walking' - Nancy Sinatra (1966)
15 Louie Louie - The Kingsmen (1963)
16 Hey Paula - Paul and Paula (1963)
17 Aquarius/Let the sunshine in - The Fifth Dimension (1969)
18 Lean on me - Bill Withers (1972)
19 One more night - Phil Collins (1985)
20 There's never a forever thing - a-ha (1988)
21 Good vibrations -The Beach Boys (1966)
22 I'm into something good - Herman's Hermits (1964)
23 Xanada - Olviva Newton-John and Electric Light Orchestra (1980) More recently, he also loved bellowing, at the top of his lungs, "Uptown girl" (usually with the word "girl" replaced) right into the faces of his dogs -- first Duke, later Baxter. But I don't know if this means that the Billy Joel song was an actual favorite; it certainly wasn't Duke's (Baxter was mostly mystified). I resemble Paul, rather surprisingly, in that I too am not a music streaming user. If anyone is and wants to re-compile the above into Spotify playlist(s), I'll be happy to add and embed those playlists to this post.
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munhoulo
Jun 09, 2021
In Messages to Paul's loved ones
"Myth" Natasha Trethewey from Native Guard: Poems (2007) I was asleep while you were dying.
It’s as if you slipped through some rift, a hollow
I make between my slumber and my waking, the Erebus I keep you in, still trying
not to let go. You’ll be dead again tomorrow,
but in dreams you live. So I try taking you back into morning. Sleep-heavy, turning, my eyes open, I find you do not follow.
Again and again, this constant forsaking. * Again and again, this constant forsaking: my eyes open, I find you do not follow.
You back into morning, sleep-heavy, turning. But in dreams you live. So I try taking,
not to let go. You’ll be dead again tomorrow.
The Erebus I keep you in—still, trying—
I make between my slumber and my waking.
It’s as if you slipped through some rift, a hollow.
I was asleep while you were dying.
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